Just Me!

There is a greater purpose to seek in life, I’m just trying to find it. See all my life I have been trying to climbed to  the top of this mock up wooden stairs. With each climb I realize they’re  missing nails, the loud creeks and the loose boards.  The hidden obstacles? And at times the eerie glance behind me to see the depth in which I have climb leaves the mysterious feels. In search of redemption? Or onward to the hope I once envisioned.  Who knows, but those are some of my many dilemmas I face each day as I wake up.

Consequently, all my concerns prior have being my lifelong experiences as a student, a mother, a daughter, a friend, and as a lover. Those titles have pretty much summed up my existence to date.  To say, I have yet to experience failure is an understatement.  I was the product of failure, I lived through failing times and I reproduced in a failing way.  I thought my adult years would be filled with victories, endless wins, and multiple accomplishments. Boy! I couldn’t be more far off.  Through the full despair of my shadowy past I will always hold on to that inch of hope while trying my best to abandon failure.

I have  yet  to find the road to success,  though I believe the journey along 9A will pave the way to one.  Not to say I expect anything to fall upon me without working for it at all.  Still, the hopes and dreams of that immigrant girl who arrived on June 16, 1989 will one day be validated inspite of it all. I still have this weary vision or life ahead of me where triumph seems to be whispering my name.  Calling out from a direction that’s unbeknownst to me, though the whispers continue to get louder as I write my innermost thoughts.  It seems that I relinquished my innocence to those who seem to have the upper hand, but despair seems uncanny at this point.  I will remain headstrong and vigilant.  I may not face success head on, But i want to be able to get my children so close that they bypass all the crossroads and obstacles and reach the gates of acceptance. As they arrive, to the threshold they will be welcome on behalf of my endless struggles.  To proudly say all I ever wanted was to seek a life filled with comfort and joy, ageless wisdom of which I crave as a lad and even more so as an adult would be an soluble reference.

Redemption is a long stretch, that carries you all over the stratosphere. Along the journey you will encounter divine intervention, solitude, and even desperation.  Family is a mystery within its own compass but their are clues that will allude you to be your true self. Let’s face it, being true is the new campaign for that Beautiful you. Life for me ain’t  being any “crystal stair” but I’ve found the beauty in my flawed version. From the eye sore of lovers, misfits of friends, and the dysfunctional unit I call family.  My gratitude is what has guided me in the best of times and the worst of times. Giving even when I absolutely have nothing menial of my own.  My ambitions has come a long way and my sanity has piggy backed those ambitions that has gotten me into trouble time and time again.  Life is unpredictable, for example who would’ve thought that I would end up a single mother and proud? Working tirelessly to be as efficient while bringing normalcy to a single parent household.  Again, my story reasonate from the Bible verse that hint about “God Putting his strongest soldiers on the battlefield”.  In this case My battlefield is of a woman like myself facing adversities after adversities and overcoming them one by one. When my twins have a orientation and I have to be in each class, my sixteen year old miss the school bus, or my nine year old has an audition in the city to some this may seem like a piece of cake but S a mother who uses time as her most valuable asset this is when ser have to slow down and think who and what can make these situations somewhat manageable?  I look to god, a cup of 14 ounce decaf coffee without sugar and gab my mojo. 

 Sometimes I surprise myself with each victory claimed, with each stereotype defeated, and the many struggles I’ve attacked head on.  Nowhere does it say, that there’s a particular order in which life ought to be lived.  For Years it seems I’ve being approaching everything backwards, yes! I’ve being living majority of my life backwards. Somethings are in order, and somethings are obviously not. The fact of the matter is I live humbly, trying my best all the while improving and tweaking the flaws but never correcting the dynamics that set me apart.  After all, their can only be one me though I reckon two of us would give me a competitive edge.  There is only one chance at witnessing and living the true authenticity of who I am.  Many people would be patient enough, some will give up before they come into their seasons of greatness, few will crumble on their last laps, and for those like me who society has already deemed unfit, continue with the lit torch.  Hoping to one day disperse the idea that though I’m categorized as dysfunctional, It will be regarded as the thing that brings about the beauty of me. Who says you can’t live your life in the way you choose?  Without repercussions or criticism.  My immediate reaction is to hell with them. Then again, my thoughtful consideration and humbling gesture suggest “until you walk a day in my life , don’t judge”.

As woman we need to show empathy to one another. We experience all levels of hurt and pain at different points in our lifetime. At times  we fail to recognize that life lessons are immeasurable and that sharing stories are what makes us greater Mother’s, individuals, and even greater human beings.  Their is no greater burden than thinking your in  this world alone, with no one to turn to. Coming together for the sake of sisterhood is the most charitable volunteer work women can experience. By all accounts it can result in empowerment and courageous efforts that will withstand the test of time, something our society fear and most men have yet to accept. So, as a woman I have grown tremendously and like everyone and everything I’ve learned to accept life as Is.

BOOKED IT!

A phrase that validates the purpose, authenticate ones position and awakens the unfortunate competitive nature of children in this entertainment industry.  

This particular phrase is the perfect solvent of children who are devoted to their specific craft whether it is music, modeling, acting, dancing, singing or whatever else falls under this big umbrella of the Entertainment business. As a parent to a child in the business, We rarely celebrate such phrase but have being guilty of using it to level the playing field.  I’m sure it feels good to post or even celebrate, but to what extent does it call for a celebration? Especially when my peers are dealing with rejection after rejection. “You did a great job” thank you for coming out is obviously the new “NO” and a pleasant let down.  I get it! After countless auditions and Castings, we can all get distracted.  As a parent one feel useless at times and desperate measures often lead to some of the biggest mistakes. Me personally I go above and beyond to prepare my children for the many scenarios they may face, but how they personify and interpret a particular lesson is beyond my control.  So you begin spending money that’s not budgeted into monthly bills just to give your child a fighting chance on acting lessons, singing lessons, dancing lessons, swimming even tai Kwon do. I mean, I’m Jamaican stuck in my ways trying to break the cycle and expand my children’s knowledge In order for them to experience various levels of extracurricular activity’s, while perfecting their craft. 

Being a parent in this business, there is no shortage of rejections where one has no control.  All of this comes on the heels of hoping the manager/agent emails or call to say your child “Booked” the gig they auditioned for. What happens when that call or email doesn’t come? Do you throw the towel in and say, “To Hell with This”, or does one “Brush their shoulders off and say “there’s always a next one”, weeks later another chance arise. The same repetitive cycle of rejection is echoing again, knowing well this child is fed up of rejection when all her peers are booking jobs and though  she is not a textbook nine year old she cant be casted to portray the average nine year old.

As a parent I often ask my child to give me feedbacks of how that went, based off the answer I pretty much sum up how the Process went. My excitement stems from my children getting the opportunity to go out on an audition, but that’s just me. Booking is obviously an added bonus.  I can’t say for sure what’s going on in my children’s head because they are so excited to go into the city they rarely focus on the reasons why we are often there. While I may be excited at an opportunity this is not me Living through my children, my excitement comes from a place of mundane gratitude. Many said I wouldn’t be able to be a single mother of four children.  Yet alone give them the opportunity to participate in unlikely agendas. So, here I stand facing adversity in the face while my parental skills have being measured, my ability to balance life has being measured, and every choice til this day is oftentimes still measured.  The Entertainment business fell into our path through idle social media behavior and so we welcomed the idea as a family who were interested in something different. By chance we have met some amazing individuals from all walks of life, and we have welcomed friendship from social platforms where we have engaged in friendly chatter.   My children has had so many opportunities to experience life on the outside of our cultural community.  An experience that far exceeds itself, should I be so lucky.

I for one have being guilty of the phrase “Booked it” on various social media platforms but like some, it was just a stark reminder that We too are in the Competitive field of trying to get a coveted spot in the entertainment world.  It was never our intentions to brag and boast like some do.  It was just a ignorant ploy to remind some of the selfish momagers that their children aren’t the only ones worthy of a chance.  We solicit viewers from other children in the business from all social platforms similar to ours so that we are always in the running.  Like many my daughters have what it takes, my sons have what it take to be among the children who make an impact.  I’m the parent who stands in the corner conveniently giving their child the opportunity to shine on their own.

Then, you have the devoted parent who for all intent purposes hustle their way into casting directors doors, presence and hearts. I’m no way taking away from a child gift or beauty, but he point Im trying to make is their parents have perfected the good old “kiss ass” techniques that will make their child go from a maybe to a “definite yes” por “love them”. Hence, within seconds of the decision a “Booked it” appears on instagram for likes, acknowledgement, and validation.