Just Me!

There is a greater purpose to seek in life, I’m just trying to find it. See all my life I have been trying to climbed to  the top of this mock up wooden stairs. With each climb I realize they’re  missing nails, the loud creeks and the loose boards.  The hidden obstacles? And at times the eerie glance behind me to see the depth in which I have climb leaves the mysterious feels. In search of redemption? Or onward to the hope I once envisioned.  Who knows, but those are some of my many dilemmas I face each day as I wake up.

Consequently, all my concerns prior have being my lifelong experiences as a student, a mother, a daughter, a friend, and as a lover. Those titles have pretty much summed up my existence to date.  To say, I have yet to experience failure is an understatement.  I was the product of failure, I lived through failing times and I reproduced in a failing way.  I thought my adult years would be filled with victories, endless wins, and multiple accomplishments. Boy! I couldn’t be more far off.  Through the full despair of my shadowy past I will always hold on to that inch of hope while trying my best to abandon failure.

I have  yet  to find the road to success,  though I believe the journey along 9A will pave the way to one.  Not to say I expect anything to fall upon me without working for it at all.  Still, the hopes and dreams of that immigrant girl who arrived on June 16, 1989 will one day be validated inspite of it all. I still have this weary vision or life ahead of me where triumph seems to be whispering my name.  Calling out from a direction that’s unbeknownst to me, though the whispers continue to get louder as I write my innermost thoughts.  It seems that I relinquished my innocence to those who seem to have the upper hand, but despair seems uncanny at this point.  I will remain headstrong and vigilant.  I may not face success head on, But i want to be able to get my children so close that they bypass all the crossroads and obstacles and reach the gates of acceptance. As they arrive, to the threshold they will be welcome on behalf of my endless struggles.  To proudly say all I ever wanted was to seek a life filled with comfort and joy, ageless wisdom of which I crave as a lad and even more so as an adult would be an soluble reference.

Redemption is a long stretch, that carries you all over the stratosphere. Along the journey you will encounter divine intervention, solitude, and even desperation.  Family is a mystery within its own compass but their are clues that will allude you to be your true self. Let’s face it, being true is the new campaign for that Beautiful you. Life for me ain’t  being any “crystal stair” but I’ve found the beauty in my flawed version. From the eye sore of lovers, misfits of friends, and the dysfunctional unit I call family.  My gratitude is what has guided me in the best of times and the worst of times. Giving even when I absolutely have nothing menial of my own.  My ambitions has come a long way and my sanity has piggy backed those ambitions that has gotten me into trouble time and time again.  Life is unpredictable, for example who would’ve thought that I would end up a single mother and proud? Working tirelessly to be as efficient while bringing normalcy to a single parent household.  Again, my story reasonate from the Bible verse that hint about “God Putting his strongest soldiers on the battlefield”.  In this case My battlefield is of a woman like myself facing adversities after adversities and overcoming them one by one. When my twins have a orientation and I have to be in each class, my sixteen year old miss the school bus, or my nine year old has an audition in the city to some this may seem like a piece of cake but S a mother who uses time as her most valuable asset this is when ser have to slow down and think who and what can make these situations somewhat manageable?  I look to god, a cup of 14 ounce decaf coffee without sugar and gab my mojo. 

 Sometimes I surprise myself with each victory claimed, with each stereotype defeated, and the many struggles I’ve attacked head on.  Nowhere does it say, that there’s a particular order in which life ought to be lived.  For Years it seems I’ve being approaching everything backwards, yes! I’ve being living majority of my life backwards. Somethings are in order, and somethings are obviously not. The fact of the matter is I live humbly, trying my best all the while improving and tweaking the flaws but never correcting the dynamics that set me apart.  After all, their can only be one me though I reckon two of us would give me a competitive edge.  There is only one chance at witnessing and living the true authenticity of who I am.  Many people would be patient enough, some will give up before they come into their seasons of greatness, few will crumble on their last laps, and for those like me who society has already deemed unfit, continue with the lit torch.  Hoping to one day disperse the idea that though I’m categorized as dysfunctional, It will be regarded as the thing that brings about the beauty of me. Who says you can’t live your life in the way you choose?  Without repercussions or criticism.  My immediate reaction is to hell with them. Then again, my thoughtful consideration and humbling gesture suggest “until you walk a day in my life , don’t judge”.

As woman we need to show empathy to one another. We experience all levels of hurt and pain at different points in our lifetime. At times  we fail to recognize that life lessons are immeasurable and that sharing stories are what makes us greater Mother’s, individuals, and even greater human beings.  Their is no greater burden than thinking your in  this world alone, with no one to turn to. Coming together for the sake of sisterhood is the most charitable volunteer work women can experience. By all accounts it can result in empowerment and courageous efforts that will withstand the test of time, something our society fear and most men have yet to accept. So, as a woman I have grown tremendously and like everyone and everything I’ve learned to accept life as Is.

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